Surviving a LDR: The Hardest Part

When I look back on the time Tyler and I spent apart while I studied abroad, I have a lot more insight to phases our relationship went through during this time.  One of the difficult parts of maintaining your relationship with someone when you cannot be together for an extended period of time is dealing with your own selfishness.  I am guilty 100 percent of this.

You are in two different parts of the world.  You're living in two different cultures.  You're living in two different time zones, and sometimes in different days.  Its hard to schedule good times where one person isn't sacrificing their time to do something else they need or want to do.  

There were many times I wanted Tyler to go out with friends and find something else to do with his time so that he would not miss me as much...but for that to happen, I had to let go of the time I got to talk to him.  I didn't like to do that.  I'd read so much advice advising how the best thing to do is to not spend too much time talking to each other, which would increase the amount you missed that person...but I also didn't want our relationship to become stagnant.  It was hard finding a balance.

It was really hard for me to not become frustrated if we did not talk at our normal times.  As I have talked to friends who have also dealt with living away from our person for an extended time, it is really much easier to become frustrated at them while apart.  It was too easy for me to turn something that was not a big deal, into a BIG deal.  This was usually my fault.  Possibly because between both our personalities, mine is more high strung and his more calm (yet this is no excuse for me not keeping my emotions in check.)

If I could go back and learn to put into practice a few qualities, I believe the most important would be these:

    Be patient.

    Be understanding.

    

    Don't be selfish with someone else's time.

    Learn to sacrifice your own time so that the other person can do other things.

    Be proactive to be kind to them first, before expecting them to do something kind for you.

    BEFORE you let something bother you, talk to them about it, as they probably don't realize what they are/aren't doing that is frustrating you.

    Try your best to keep your word, and be understanding with their frustration when you can't.  The times I got lost on a bus in Kunming and didn't make it home by 9 to Skype was always frustrating for Tyler because he couldn't know why I wasn't there.  He always understood later, but it is just a frustrating process when you don't keep your word, even when unintentional. 

I hope this is helpful to any brave souls who are venturing to be apart for awhile.

With Love...and a Cup of Hot Tea,

-Saxon

Missed the first two posts?  Find them here and here!

Dating at a Distance

Long distance relationships (LDRs as they say in the online world) are not easy. While you can talk to that person, you are limited when it comes to actually doing things with them. Besides Pinterest Dates,Tyler and I came up with MANY different ways to spend time together while still being over six thousand miles apart.


Here are some of the dates we attempted…

Skype Movie Night: Skype has a screen sharing capability. This means one of you can see the other person’s screen instead of seeing the input from their webcam. If the person who is sharing their screen plays a movie on their computer, both can watch almost simultaneously. However, be aware the sound will be somewhat off sequence for the person on the other end. Tyler and I solved this problem by turning subtitles on, and accepting the out of sequence sound. If you haven’t seen a movie together for months, or want to watch something special, this is the way to do it together.

We watched this on our anniversary abroad, because we first held hands watching this movie. :)

The Question Game: each person takes turns asking questions to the other. The rule is you have to answer the question you ask as well, so if you aren't willing to answer, don't ask!

Go Through A Couple's Book: Tyler bought us the e-book called 1000 Questions for Couples for our anniversary we had to spend separated. It helped tremendously when we ran out of questions for the Question Game, and we have continued going through the book since then. Some questions are fun, some serious...some you wouldn't have thought of.

Night Night on Skype: One of my favorites was falling asleep (remember...time zone difference) with Skype on, but this wasn't something Tyler was into. He usually did his homework, and I would watch and talk until I fell asleep. Especially when you are both busy on opposite sides of the world with class and homework, sometimes this time was the only time left to spend time together.

Take Turns Planning an Online Date: We would sometimes play an online game, screen share and "go somewhere" on Google Earth, Pinterest, or plan future dates we could do for when we were together again.

Play a Game: I thought doing a "draw together" would be fun...where you can chat and draw pictures on the same tablet. We did this a few times. Your art doesn't have to be "good"...just as long as you have fun!

One of our Paint Dates

Tips For International Long Distance Relationships

Send Your "Person" Texts for Free: If you are the one who is outside your home country, you can send texts from your email for free. You just have to find that person's carrier's code...for exampe, if they use AT&T, the format should be 5555555555@txt.att.net (their number@txt.att.net). Other cell phone carriers will have similar codes, they are easy to look up online.

Send 'Love' Emails: We sent love e-mails to each other, especially when we knew the other person was having a rough week. (Snail mail to China is just too...snail-ish.)

Go "Out" Together: Sometimes we'd go out somewhere to get coffee or food to Skype instead of staying home. I always enjoyed when Tyler would study and have me on Skype at Starbucks. Even though we didn’t talk much, it was fun to hear the music and see the cars and people going by outside the window.

KaKao Talk: This didn't work for us because Tyler isn't an iPhone user, however if you have certain types of smart phones, look for the app called Kakao Talk. You may text and make international calls for free. It was so fun to talk to my Korean friends the other day, and to be able to do it with the convenience of my phone. The only catch is for whoever is overseas, if you do not use your data plan (who would??) then you have to use Wi-Fi to utilize the app (otherwise your data charges will put you in debt for the rest of your life!)

One blog that helped me SO much during our time apart was Loving From a Distance. There are tons of good ideas here that are good for making your Skype or Google Video Chats a little more fun.
Be careful, as there were also some ideas that do not fit within healthy boundaries for Christian dating couples, however, as with the rest of life, use your common sense and morals to judge what is and is not appropriate.

I hope this is helpful to anyone out there going through a period of time apart from "your person." I know without stumbling across some of the advice I found from others, we wouldn't have found as many fun ways to keep in touch. I thought I would share our experiences with continuing to grow deeper in our relationship while apart for a period of time.


With Love and a Cup of Coffee,

-Saxon

Check out my last post about Surviving a Long Distance Relationship here!

Surviving a Long Distance Relationship | Pinterest Dates

One thing's for sure, being away from the love of your life for nearly six months changes things.  When I studied abroad for nearly six months, Tyler and I resorted to Skype and Google Chat to keep in touch.  Even still, since I've been back, many habits we picked up and things we learned about each other have come in handy in our day-to-day lives now.

Tyler enthusiastically telling me a story on Skype.

Recently, we have resorted to some of the same methods we learned while I was abroad to keep connected.  Although we now live very near, our conflicting work schedules have made it nearly impossible to see each other.

Last night as we chatted on Google Chat, Tyler did something that was not only fun, but something we did while I was in China as a way to "hang out" online.

Pinterest Dates: the act of simultaneously being on Pinterest and sharing links of things you like while video chatting.

I learned to love Pinterest while I studied abroad.  It is so addicting anyway, and when you miss all your American comforts, it is basically a way to live vicariously in your home country through Pinterest.

When Tyler realized my obsession...and after telling me that Pinterest was silly and for girls, he started stalking my Pinterest page.

I wonder what he thought of my wedding board back then. D:

But, in all seriousness...Tyler and I could make many connections as a result of going through my Pinterest boards. He especially likes looking through the food, and telling me which ones I should make (for him).  We would talk about pins we both liked, and why.  It helped us learn more about each other's tastes in style, food, furniture, homes, ideas for the future...and whatever else you pin on Pinterest.  He even figured out what engagement ring styles I liked due to Pinterest due to my wedding board.  Curious? A picture of mine is here.

Do I get kudos since no one had to tell him?!  He's just that good, ladies!

Last night we looked throught craft and project ideas that we could make together in the future.  We discussed the craft we plan to make as our wedding favors, how we can get the supplies and how much it will cost.

Additionally we had some good times laughing at the funny pins.

We'll get to spend some time tomorrow together, but I still feel Pinterest Dates offer a different twist to the time we get to spend together in person.  It is just another way to learn about Tyler's likes, while he is learning about mine.

(Not to mention, if you are engaged, Pinterest dates are pretty much essential in Wedding Planning together!)

I'll post again about some other cool techniques we learned last fall (and are still using) about how to remain connected even though you can't literally be together.

That's all for today, Coffee Readers!